hi
protein puddings / not writing / OCD / shame / yellowy eyes / competition shows / no sex party yet
Just went to the gym. My experience of the gym is that I always, always think about going to one of those 'Learn to Lift' PT sessions so I can be one of those 'girls who lift' but I also know I will never do that ever in my life!! On a related note I'm always buying those gross protein puddings from Lidl and eating them at 4am when I wake up very hungry and needing a snack. There are chocolate, caramel and vanilla flavours. My favourite? Caramel. And that's my fitness journey!!
What else? Today a girl and a guy kind of pushed past me and Jamie in the street and I reflexively went 'sorry' and Jamie was like why are you apologising to them? and I had to tell the truth which was that the guy had very beautiful yellowy eyes which startled me. Will I always feel unseated and ashamed in the presence of beauty? ?
Anywayyyy let's talk about my absolute OCD breakdown because it's Sunday and only gossip can keep us alive! (I wish I could tell sexy gal in the big city dating and sex stories which people might even subscribe for but I'm in a long relationship!! Idk maybe we'll go to a sex party or something. I'm joking I have too much shame for that and I'm afraid of men!!)
2020 - 2022 have been weird years for me for the obvious reason (became 5G conspiracist) but alsooo because I got very mentally ill with pure OCD which you either know about or don't. So if you don't, look it up or whatever, but basically it's hellonearth and makes you extremely anxious and obsessive and that your mind is a very dangerous place to be.
Which is especially wild if your mind has always been where you're most comfortable, where you've written from and daydreamed from and generally loved existing in as an introspective person. I've always loved 'putting my mind to things' whether that's one of the million new jobs I've ever had or some creative thing or a friend's relationship problem. So when the very same brain decides it's HIGH TIME to destroy your absolute life and sanity you've kind of got to start a different relationship with your thoughts. Maybe not spend so much time with those gals. Find a new clique. Watch only competition shows and never.be.alone.on.a.walk especially by a misty, atmospheric lake!!!
The long and the short of it is that I haven't written ANY poems for a full! 14! Months!! .... which is totally fine (actually think it's much chicer in this life to publish once every 10-15 years) but obviously also unsettling for someone who only has poetry and gluten intolerance as their whole identity. I don’t have a pet even. So I guess now I'm feeling slightly less insane (which will prob last 15 mins tops) I'm going to ease myself back into writing in this manic newsletter form. Are you reading this? I love you. I'm cupping your face saying I love you.
So I feel like my vibe right now is someone emerging very cautiously from a fallout shelter (heaving some kind of drain cover aside) poking their head above ground and saying... hello? - hoping that it carries on the wind. 🤓🤓🤓🤓🤓